Missing Them!

I for the first time since i lost my brother, I Felt unreal today.....felt like he was still here...all those feelings came back from the phone call, the exact thing i was doing, the drive home, the realization from seeing the cop cars as i speed up in his chevi cavialer, the moment of running inside and knowing he was gone but not one bit wanting to except it, not one single bit did i want to except, not this not now....why??? all the feelings just rushed back today......and why? Becasue after thinking about the significance of email's and the silly about me one's, how much his children would love to read that when they grow up b/c of not knowing there father...and wanting to know what he was about! Then the realization that ron was so into technology blogs, emails, you name it...his feelings his thought's his cry's for help that i continously ignored and the conversation that wont go away in my head after he shot the gun....our family meeting "crystal i asked for help from you i wrote it all on myspace blogs, i asked you to read it" yet STILL STILL i never read it I could have helped i could have been there that day and something deep down told me that i should be but i wasnt!!! I was To busy with my self! and im a good person, people say.... me?? how could anyone possibly think that!!! its not me blaming my self and it really having nothing to do with me....ITS ME KNOWING that i was suppose to be there for him KNOWING that i easliy could have been and KNOWING that i simply WASNT.....Most of all knowing that he could still be here!

& so much....does he know that he was my best friend, does he know how he always made me in a better mood when i was pissed, sad or just being myself! Does he know that i loved him more then anything....my car, my car notes, my oil changed, brake's, starter lol he did all for me selflessly nothing in return just a brother's love, solving the fight's b/w ryan and me, defending his name when i was so pissed that i just cussed it because he knew that i truly loved him he knew he was a good man deep down and he knew me better then i did! How could i be such a fool how could I talk down to him he was the best brother, even as goofy as a form it came it was in the best way, it was sincere and non expectant, it was forgiving no matter how many times i fucked up! And here i find my self praying that this is all a dream, and i really hope it is i hope tommorow i wake up and life is normal again and he is here and dad's there with him...but he wont be...and ill get my hopes up and ill cry, like im crying now longing for a second chance! I hope to GOD he know's how much he meant to me! He helped me and i miss him more then anyone should ever miss someone, the pain i feel eats away what's left of my broken heart and i dont feel like i'll ever will be able to Love anyone except my family because of the pain i feel!